Oct 5, (my grandma, Ida Gertrude West Culler’s birthday) the first signs of labor began with my meconium plug falling out after a dawn patrol body surf session at Scripps. I knew it could mean our babe could come today or in weeks from now, but the portal was opening! I felt a need in my body to be outside and move all day and into the next. Cactus’s were in full bloom with bees buzzing. Took Rumi to walk all our favorite spots together: the cliffs, shelter island, Kelloggs. I ate my favorite breakfast burrito and bought Rumi bought baby marigolds. My last meal before becoming a mom💙
Light period cramps started around 9 and by noon, while walking the cliffs they got to the point where they would stop me in my tracks to have to breathe through them. I headed home, took a bath, curled up in bed with Rumi and watched a documentary series on cleopatra. Period cramp like contractions turned into montazuma’s revenge type full body convulsions, not sure which end was going to explode.
By 4pm I told Drew to cancel his pickleball reservation, I didn’t want to be alone. We called our doula Elyde and she encouraged me to get back in the bath. By sunset my contractions would overtake me every 3-4 mins. My body wanted fresh air and space to move so we went to the porch. in my underwear and a tshirt from a mentor who had passed, I let my body do her thing. Our neighbor did an emergency burrito run for Drew…little did he know that would be his last meal before becoming a dad. Both of us fueled by burritos I went in and out of this time and space while our neighbor chatted with us asking if a contraction felt like the baby was kicking. It was much more the sensation of my body taking the reins and my job was to just let go and let her do her thang.
Elyde arrived as the sun set. She saw how rapid my contractions were flowing and put things in motion to head to the UCSD midwives center. As I swayed and groaned in the silk swing on our porch, Drew hunted for the car keys and grabbed our labor bags full of snacks, a chess set, keepsakes from my passed loved ones and community, and other things I never even looked at….Drew’s mom and mark arrived to drive us.
At this point sitting felt impossible. The sensation of having to poop was unreal. So I climbed into the back seat, hovering over the baby car seat, with Drew cramped in the back with me, holding his hand. Mark drove, and I’m pretty sure though I was gonna birth this baby in the car. Each contraction provoked sounds I’ve never made before. My eyes closed and barely opened again until babe was on my chest.
We arrived at the hospital where they offered me a wheelchair to sit in…still impossible to sit, I somehow got on all fours on the chair as they rolled me to the midwives floor. We forgot to call before our arrival so they had to look us up in the system and couldn’t find me with my phone number so somehow my left brain was able to come back on line as I groaned out my social security number to get checked in.
The midwives' labor room was huge! A queen size bed and huge jacuzzi that would have been nice to get to enjoy if there had been time. Contractions were rolling through my body with such rapid consistency that it took several waves before I was able to get into the jacuzzi where they slowed down slightly enough for them to put in an iv port for my group b antibiotic drip. Getting the IV in was the most painful sensation yet! And continued to cause me intermittent pain throughout my labor. While the contractions were wild they felt purposeful and this deep release and trust that my body knew exactly what it was doing. And every bit of wild jungle animal with in me was being released with each wave.
The midwife asked to check and see how dilated I was, 5cm. The sensation of her going inwards while every energy in me was flowing outwards was unbearable. As contractions overcame me a nurse did a suicide assessment on me and I laughed at her…I’m literally in the process of giving life. The only thoughts of harm I had was towards her.
For the majority of the time it was just Elyde, my mom and Drew in the room with me. My mom and I had done months of therapy together to prepare for this moment and the transition to mom and grandma together. Having her hold me, rub my back and just feeling her silent presence and witnessing was healing. Drew kept a cool cloth on my neck and held my hand through each wave. Elyde held the space with such grounded love and assurance. I felt fully free to let my body be free.
As I continued to labor in the tub my noises started growing deeper and the midwife was nervous I was starting to push. You are not legally allowed to birth in the tub, just labor. So they wanted to check my cervix again and monitor the baby's heart beat which they were finding difficulty doing in the tub. They asked me to get out which felt impossible. My mind barely had enough time to come back in line between each contraction in order to think about moving to another space. Eventually I made it to the bed, still in my soggy mentors t-shirt that they couldn’t take off cause of the IV.
They told me I couldn’t push yet and that they couldn’t monitor the baby's heart rate good enough and were noticing a slight drop in their heart rate during contractions so they needed to move me out of the midwives hall and onto labor and delivery. During my pregnancy they had me doing bi weekly stress tests because I was a “geriatric pregnancy”. Baby’s heart rate would drop during contractions then return to its baseline. I knew this was normal for us. This was the one moment I lost myself, my root, and questioned my intuitional knowing that baby and I were ok and in our flow. Fear of guilt and shame if baby’s heart rate was under stress and something bad happening that could have been prevented. So I once again loaded myself on all 4s into a wheel chair and left the dimly lit room and was pushed down the fluorescent light hall, afraid my dad was out there and would see me amidst a contraction and start to fear something was wrong. I didn’t want to sense his potential fear.
Now in the labor and delivery room, Elyde once again contained the space for me, dimming the lights, giving me the pauses I asked for to think when questions were asked of me, helping my body find the various supportive positions she needed. Elyde helped me reclaim and step back into my body's power and knowing after this slip into left brain and fear.
Amidst all the chaos of the move my midwife whispered in my ear “you are so strong, you got this” and still today it brings me tears. The feeling of being seen. We had both succumb to medical protocols, yet we were still both women and our wild innate power could not be dimmed.
They hooked me up to a continual monitor for baby’s heart rate and I asked for the sound to be turned off. I wanted to listen inward to baby and my rhythm, not the outward machine beeps. For possibly the first time in my life I spoke with such calm strength and confidence in my wants and needs. The midwife directed me to shift my exhales and noises to a deeper tone during contractions to help slow things down and prepare my body for pushing. It took everything in me not to push. As I deepened my wild animal noises to guttural moans, I moved my energy down and to the earth. They gave me permission to push. I could hear the woman next door howling her babe into this world and felt the holding and power of all the mothers before, at present, and to come surrounding me as I started to push.
The room filled with energy as the NICU Dr and students came to watch. I could feel my left brain start to slip into fear and questions again…is something wrong? The midwife assured me they were just here to observe and be on hand “just in case. It took every ounce of mind power I had to not let that “just in case” take root within me and spark fear or lack of confidence. I tuned out the room and it was just me, Drew, and babe again. Since my body had been waiting for what felt like forever to push, I assumed it would be three pushes and babe would be here…but no. I felt babe move down my canal with each push, then sucked back up after. “We got this. Soft and strong. Down. Down. WE got this babe!” I layed on my side and spiraled my body around the bed as Elyde held my leg and Drew kept up with my head. Later I found out my sister who missed the last flight out of Seattle was FaceTimed in to be in the room with us. I felt fully surrounded and held by those present, past and future. Time folded. It felt like the gnarliest constipation and then pelvic pressure as babe danced from my back to my front making their way down the canal. The full moon set out the window. The midwife invited me to touch babe’s head as he crowned. I felt the ring of fire, the final door of the portal between womb and world. His head released and then with a couple more pushes his body followed feeling like an octopus writhing out of me. All of the pressure suddenly released and my body softened, emptied, every muscle when limp.
They laid his warm body on my deflated abdomen. Rubbing him to make him cry. All I could see was the crown of his head. I wanted to cry and laugh, sleep and dance all at the same time. Drew announced we had a baby boy. It all felt surreal, out of body. My mind couldn’t grapes that this human, so alive, came out of me. He looked huge! They let the umbilical cord pulse his final womb nutrients into his little body before inviting Drew to clamp and cut the cord ending his nourishing time in the womb and welcoming him into this wild world fully. He rooted up to my breast and latched immediately. He knew what to do, I just had to follow our bodies lead. Mixtures of disbelief that he could have come out of my body overcome by wild waves of untapped love and release.
My senses started coming back into the room and I saw my sister on FaceTime, my Mom and Dad, Shelly capturing the moment, Elyde, and for maybe the first time really seeing my midwife’s face. She had just been a voice, a touch, and presence.
She informed me it was time to birth his placenta and pushing began again. A second octopus blubbered out of me. After a painful ureteral massage, to make sure all pieces were out, she let me know I had barely torn at all, just a stitch that felt more painful than labor and I was done. She held up his placenta so we could see it. Pointed out the amniotic sack that looked as thin as tissue paper. She showed the dinner plate size portion that had been connected to my uterine wall, emphasizing that that is the size of the wound in me so it’s important that I rest to let it heal properly.
As all the bodies in the room started trickling out, the sun started to rise and it was just Drew, me and our son. My heart continued to crack open and still does. Love for Drew, as I watch him become a dad, and my love for our son who is literally love in bodied, the definition of unconditional love in human form.
My body felt like I had been dancing all night at a concert, my throat shot from wailing, yet the adrenaline, endorphines, and oxytocin pumping through me was unreal. I was vibrating with life, with love, with awe.
The things that surprised me:
Since I’ve done doula trainings and Drew has delivered babies through his firefighting years…I originally thought we could birth on our own. And I had always seen having a doula as a supportive perk, not essential. But I can not imagine us moving through Zakai’s birth without our doula. She provided a grounded calm and confidence to trust my body and was essential in guiding Drew and my mom in ways they could support me. She held space for my voice in decisions. And if she hadn’t been there we would have been alone in the labor room for hours by ourselves with no guidance or support.
The most painful parts of labor and birth where what was done to me rather than the actual labor and birth. The cervix check, IV, heart rate monitoring, uterine massage, stitches, and having bright lights on or asking me to move so they could perform their protocols. Labor and delivery itself felt like a full surrender to my body. She was in charge. Wild power, energy, pressure shooting through my body…but not pain. Pain to me is a sensation when something is wrong. The sensations of birth were filled with purpose. Challenging me to trust my body and move and be as it provoked me. I felt strong discernment in my voice as I asked for my wants and needs. Each contraction cracked open my wild, trying to contain the noises and movement that flowed out of me felt impossible.
Contractions were so rapid that I didn’t even have time to think about wanting an intervention to support with pain. I had brought a chess set, items from loved ones to set the space, essential oils, ect. The bag never even got opened, there wasn’t time. I thought contractions would be like waves, come in sets of 3-5 and then have a pause with time to distract my mind with a simple chess game. Contractions were like a set that never ended, no pause to chat with drew and think about what I want to do differently before the next set arrived. The waves came consistently from sunset till Zakai arrived at 3:30am.
Having my mom there was powerful. I could feel both healing, softening, and bonding taking place between the two us, but also weaving into the lineages of all women. My mom birthed in the 80’s, a very different time for women and birthing protocols. During our pre-birth therapy sessions she reflected how much more knowledgeable and prepared for birth I was than she had been. The access to knowledge about your rights as a birthing person were limited. You trusted the Dr and that was that. She saw me in my power, transforming from her daughter to a mother, from maiden to mother. Being witnessed by her in this way has and continues to transform our relationship. Zakai was already working his magic as our teacher and healer before even leaving the womb.
No comments:
Post a Comment