Silence and Stillness
Tis the season where "not a peep in the house" is hard to come by...with constant texting, social media bings, and IG (just learned that means instagram) updates, on top of the steadily growing "to do" lists for my upcoming travels with Wahine Project and Exxpedition... I find myself everywhere else but SILENT and STILL, everywhere else but HERE
After getting my MFT license (finally after 6 years of hours collecting and 2 four hr long dreaded exams), I said good bye to my 9-5 social work position in persuet of my passions.
Thus, I am currently, by definition, "homeless".
Luckily, I have beautiful family and friends eager for slumber parties while I am in this period of transition and preparation for my next chapter in life.
It has been interesting over the last two weeks however, meeting new people and having to answer the obvious get to know you question "Where do you live?".
The first time I was asked that, I automatically answered San Diego, which was followed by "what neighborhood?"
....stumped, I paused...
do i say where my Lincoln Town Car is? Parked in a side street in Solana Beach.
Where the majority of my stuff is? Split between Molly's garage and My parents beach house.
Where Mi Corazon is? My 28ft sail boat that has been my home over the last 7 years now emptied of all my nicknacks and homey touches and docked in an unfamiliar harbor in Long Beach.
....Or....
Where I am? I am HERE!
So right here, right now, the people I am with, the beach, mountain, or desert I am a mere ant in...this is HOME. I am Home! So now when people ask me where I live, My answer.."right here, I am home"
HOME has been an interesting word in my journey to my current state. I will do another post in regards to this later, but in short there has never been a specific location that has felt like home to me. To feel at home, that warm cozy heart feeling often depicted on christmas cards as fire-lit cottages nestled in the snow with a family snuggled up by the fire singing christmas songs and sipping coco. That's the feeling I got when my host mom in India gave me my first hug after 4 months of traveling with no human affection.
That's the feeling I got when my grandpa told me he loves me and is proud of me for the first time before embarking on pursuing a career in South America.
That's the feeling I got when I showed up to dinner to be surprised by all my SD friends celebrating my 30th birthday.
That'd the feeling I got when I took Mi Corazon out for our first long distance sail into unchartered waters. Nothing but me, her sails, and the sea (and my poor sea sick friend that was such a trooper for the first 12 hr leg of the voyage).
Let me paint you a picture: (not of my sea sick friend hanging in and onto her stomach, but of the sea and Mi Corazon)
Several miles off the shore the water is bluer, reflecting the depth you are dancing along the surface of. Making you feel oh so tiny and unimportant. You see a familiar coastline from a completely unfamiliar vantage point on your right. And on the left blue that bleeds into bluer as far as the eye can see...no boarders, no direction, nothing hindering you from falling into it forever (kinda like that urge I get to jump when standing on the edge of the grand canyon, a San Francisco sky scraper, or even sitting on a chair lift up a mountain. The only thing keeping me on my feet and in my seat is fear and knowing that it'll definitely hurt) But with the oceans boundless abyss to my left, the fear keeping me from jumping wasn't there like it is on the crest of a cliff. Rather that fear was replaced by a wild yet confidant freedom.
So many fears had been road blocks in my head...
"You don't know how to sail good enough"
"You are afraid of deep dark waters and the creatures that definitely can see you before you see them"
"Your not prepared enough"
"You aren't strong enough, your too small, and don't know how to fix things well enough"
"You don't have anyone that would want to do that with you"
All those fears became mere minnows in the sea before me as I sat in the hug of Mi Corazon's helm. Fear was the thing that holds me back. To be honest, I didn't know if I could sail Mi Corazon up the coast on my own as we left the safety of the San Diego Bay (outside the reach of vessle assist). In the past we had hired trained professionals to do her transports cause "I wasn't good enough". I had never been outside the bay or dropped anchor until 6 months ago. And fear still keeps me from putting the gears in reverse. Dropping anchor, docking solo, sailing under the Coronado Bridge, sailing to the Point and to Mission Bay for a weekend. All of these things I staid far away from, told myself I wasn't capable of doing...and then, finally just did it. Pretended the fear wasn't there, and did it. And guess what, i lived, and so did my crew. And when shit did go south...vessle assist was always a call away.
But as we sailed north with a familiar coast line on my right and the wild boundless freedom of the sea on my left, and Vessle Assist out of reach, I felt home. I felt present. My mind was still..almost blank...just joy. I even sat still..for hours...which, for someone that sits on a bouncy ball at work, has to stand in the back of class to pay attention to lectures, and drinks water just for the excuse to get up and refill it...this was impressive for me. Anxiety-less. To-do list-less. Fear-less....Full of Silence. Full of Stillness. Full of Home.
My challenge for myself and hope for you all this holiday season is stillness, silence, presence, and home.
Happy Holidays! And check out the attached link to see what passion I am pursuing this winter with a rad group of empowered women united in the mission to be present and build the feeling of home in the sea for women and girls in cuba.
https://www.crowdrise.com/globalwahinewomenres/fundraiser/thewahineprojectinc
Day 1: San Diego Bay to Oceanside:
Day 2: Oceanside-Long Beach
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